She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
don't judge my taste in strippers
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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