shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
