The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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