and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
