Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
