i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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