Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Green mimosas i think yes
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
