FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize