I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Randomize
