Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
