She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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