Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
