just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
