Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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