you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
