I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
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