so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
