Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
