okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
