the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
