How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
