I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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