Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
