I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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