im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
