I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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