If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
