The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
