Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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