I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
