Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
