mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
