How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
