Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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