woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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