I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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