Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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