i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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