I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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