Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
