Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
