Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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