I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize