After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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