My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
