I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
