My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
