tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
