Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
