Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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