I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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