He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
