I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize