if i can run in heels then i can drive
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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