8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
