party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
