I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
