Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
